Born to an emotionally abusive father
(who I’m convinced was into the occult,) and a mother who I feel struggled to hold onto Christian beliefs (at the time), the days of my youth were rather troubled. The earliest memory I have would probably be one where he was watching pornography in my mother’s absence and telling me, my little brother, or my little sister to sit on his lap. I believe this is where my problems started. I was subjected to visual sexual abuse by my Dad at the age of five-years-old. I later went and acted out what I saw with my brother and sister, then four and three years old. My Mom caught us in the bathtub acting out and spanked us all. The spanking never cured the problem though. It became worse.
I began to target my Mom and her things only. I would destroy the home as soon as she cleaned it, break down wood of the bunk beds then tell my Mom quietly,
“Somebody broke…the bed upstairs, Mom…”
Several times my Mom would actually watched me from a distance doing damage, cutting the sofa fabric with kitchen shears and knives, ripping down folded laundry to the floor, only to stand there in awe at the pain of her response as I sheepishly told her a lie of who actually did it. I told her I hated her at one time, went into her closet and smeared ranch dressing all over her good clothes, defecated on the back of her toilet seat in her room that she had just cleaned, and, when I attempted to walk out and pretend I didn’t do it, she walked in and caught me. I was forced to clean it up. Angry, I then went to my own bathroom and smeared more feces all over the walls and sink. I would only smile when I had the opportunity to cause her pain.
My behaviors became more bizarre in nature when my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I started to act out terribly as she fought the disease. I became what the teachers called a troubled youth, as I sought to cause much harm by way of conflicts within the area of classroom behavior. I was constantly in the office, trying to get away from a teacher I felt treated me rather badly (I once asked for a replacement homework assignment, and I was the only student in the room. She started screaming at me, saying I lost everything and ruined everything. She picked up a pillow, and threw it at my face full force. She thrust her arm out and told me “HERE!” and gave it to me. I was the only student in the classroom. I later suspected she was a witch.) I started complaining of body ailments, once holding my stomach and screaming that I had breast cancer. I even tried to take my Mom’s cancer medication as I sought to personally identify with her in every aspect of her life. My Mom had no car when the people in the office required her to come and remove me from the office, or for whatever reason. Each time she was always inconvenienced, having just returned tired from chemotherapy infusion, at my being the reason she had to walk six or so blocks to see about me, twice shielded under an umbrella and very slow because of the chemo effect on her muscles.
I also sought to get my brothers and sisters in trouble regularly, cut off my younger sister’s hair while she was asleep because her hair was longer than mine, and lied about everything I thought I could get away with. My Mom once was reduced to painful tears after I lied about her punching my tooth out at y elementary school. A social worker come to where we lived to talk to her. They told her later that the tooth came out naturally and that there was no trauma to the mouth or gums at all indicating a punch in the mouth, as I had reported to my teacher. They suggested my Mom pay more attention to me as opposed to my other siblings. But I found an ability to control my Mom by the incident, until she asked to see the tooth I held as blackmail over her head. She then violently threw it in another direction in anger on the bus we were riding home on. She almost hit a man in the face with it. Then she said, “Now… report that to your teachers, too, hm?” My brothers and sisters began to harshly dislike me and ban me from games and rooms afterwards because of my behavior that caused others so much pain. I later told someone else, less than a month later, that my Mom had taken me to a doctor who burned my arm with a hot iron rod to ‘kill the germs’. My Mom walked in while I was saying this and I immediately ran out of a door to get away after having been caught.
Mom was hurt by the incidents I caused over and over again as I sought continuously to hurt her emotionally, at times physically (ramming shopping carts into her back ankles, and of recent, pulling out her hair on the top in chunks after she asked me to help her brush and style it. When she asked me why I was pulling out her hair strands, I felt as if I were coming out of a trance or something. I had no idea why I had done it. I got up and walked quickly away. I never wanted to brush her hair again after that, I was now so scared of what was occurring in me. It was as if something in me hated her. But I was being told by something that she hated me. But how, I thought?
The years following were terrible. I felt at times like I was switched at birth, or something was wrong with me. I struggled with low self-esteem, overate out of stress, and had soon developed a serious masturbation problem. Throughout my years of struggling to contain my problems in secrecy, I lied often in order to get out of troubles I was said to have caused, without getting punished. Eventually, everyone blamed me for every little thing that went wrong and I was punished for my actions and lying by my Mom, sometimes angrily, to the point of having welts all over where I was hit. This didn’t deter me at all, for as I did things, but didn’t remember them. Mom said that trust was a factor and that, in crossing the level of trust others had in me, I had to regain trust by way of better behavior. She said trust, once lost, is difficult to regain at times. Trust. I wondered what that was at times.
I had also had a strange fascination with the occult, and I wasn’t sure why. Strange thoughts plagued my mind and I saw things that others did not see. I had recurring thoughts of stabbing my mother, and my whole family, as well as sexual thoughts. I constantly saw a Gothic looking girl, who looked like she was dead for a time. She wasn’t an actual person. I stayed mostly around my Dad. Strangely, my Mom later told me that my Dad later informed her that he was into the Goth scene, wearing all black even, when he was a youth in Nigerian and British boarding schools.
Eventually, I really wanted to make my mother love me. I was convinced she hated me (I think I actually asked her straight out one morning if she did… but she denied it.) Sometime later, my mother took me to church along with the rest of my family. I struggled not to fall asleep during the sermon. When it was over, I went up when they asked who wanted to be saved, because I didn’t want to be left alone on the pew, as everyone (I think my whole family — minus my Dad, as he always wanted to stay home) left to talk to church members. They took us into the foyer and onto outside lawn chairs and told us all how Christ died for us. Even my Autistic brother said the sinner’s prayer. I was surprised by all the scriptures they had memorized. I recall telling them,
“I don’t think I’ll ever memorize as many scriptures as you.”
The two of them smiled and gave me a personal King James Bible, brand new. The rest of my family received Christ and Bibles as well, except my Mom. She had already had a relationship with Jesus Christ and several Bibles, too, and could memorize scripture better than other of the church members who lead us to Christ. My Mom had already done so; yet, we did it again that day in front of all. So we started going to this church a bit more and I repeatedly had thoughts rushing into my mind like crazy that were denouncing Christ. I eventually left my Bible alone, under the impression that there were more interesting things to do.
Shortly after closing my Bible, I started seeing more strange things. I saw my cat’s face turn into a sinister face that resembled a man, and something that looked like the grim reaper next to me while I had trouble breathing (This terrified me, and I ended up sleeping on the floor of my parents room). So I went on for years, secretive about my ways.
Eventually, my mother and father separated due to domestic violence by my Dad. Mom sought an Attorney to help deal with the whole ordeal, but soon found that the marriage license was void on its face value, that my Dad had falsified the whole marriage for some 20+ years. Hurt, she had to move forward with her own life, she told us so, but this time with Christ fully involved. I believe God was on her side through it all. He still is today.
My mom got us a place to stay in a domestic violence shelter for women in a secluded area shielded by police and state workers. It was a whole house, and we stayed there for the three months, and as a functional family for the first time. We were really happy. I can remember Mom praying in tongues for guidance every evening, and of placing her Bible beneath the bed before sleeping. One day, my sister crawled under the bed looking for her earphones. She came out with no problems. The next day we moved the bed to find a scorpion sitting quietly beside my Mom’s Bible, tame. God was telling us something that day.
Two days after entering this shelter, Mom received enough money to stand on her own without the help of my Dad. It was while I was there with her watching lovingly over me, my brothers, and sisters that I wondered strongly whether or not God really existed. So, I sat alone, in the bathroom, and said aloud,
“God, if you really exist, can you give me a rash?”
I don’t remember the rest of what I said, but shortly afterward, I had a strange bump on my leg. Then it turned into a circular black flat mark with peeling skin. Eventually, I was covered in them. I had a rash all right, and I wasn’t allowed to touch anything until my Mom figured out what it was. The doctors took a sample and had no clue as to what it was. I was initially diagnosed erroneously with scabies. It wasn’t that at all. I was given antibiotics but was then informed by my Mother that the doctor wanted me to discontinue the medication and come again to see her for a proper diagnosis. A second visit proved futile as well. My mother simply went out and bought an anti-fungal cream and told me to rub it on the marks (I had felt a lot closer to my mother by this time). It then cleared up pretty quick (but there’s still scarring as a testament to the fact that the rash was really there).
After the summer was over, my mother enrolled us in school. I went to school, and I had strange dreams that highlighted every event in every single day for three days straight. I got stuck in a class with a strange teacher who was into the occult. I had a strange attraction to this teacher, and I wasn’t sure why (I recall this creepy teacher trying to hold my hand). The whole time I stayed there, I stayed by myself. The sexual thoughts flooded in again, and I was sure I was going insane.
We moved to another area, after having found a stable home and environment, and my mother enrolled me in a local middle school. I wanted to find God then and now, but I didn’t pick up a Bible to do so. Instead, I picked up a book from among several that said ‘God’ on it that our landladies (Who I found out were hypnotists, lesbians, and New Age and Wicca practitioners) had left with a Bible on top of it in our garage before we moved our things in. Believing that due to the fact it had a Bible on top, I figured it was okay to read. My Mom caught me isolated in my room reading it, inquired what it was, and then told me immediately that it was a book on the occult practice of calling forth spirit guides, that the guy who wrote it sought to get teenagers to open up a door to the demonic forces that later wreaked havoc on my life. Strange, that as I got halfway through the book (I think I got to the part when you called spirit guides), then, Mom walked in immediately to inquire why I was isolated in my room, and I, wanting to impress her, showed her what I was reading. Mom told me what it was all about and that it was witchcraft. I think she told me I should burn it, but instead, I opened the garage door and threw it full force towards the back of the garage.
Now, I had to wait for a school bus stop every morning, where I befriended a short Mexican boy who also waited there in the mornings. He talked mostly about violent video games, and I grew to like him. Then those sexual thoughts again plagued my mind. I hated those thoughts, and didn’t want them to ever come back. I went outside to wait an hour before the bus came, anticipating conversation. I woke up at 3:00 in the morning to get ready for school. Eventually, I made a Christian friend, and I met another guy, who reminded me more of my father. He had friends who were into the occult, and I became convinced he was too. When I went home, I started hearing voices like crazy. The three main voices I heard were my mother’s, my boyfriend’s (who I secretly saw behind my Mom’s back after she told me that I was to have no boyfriends at my age), and my Christian friend’s. I heard familiar voices in general also. Then, I heard one particular voice that wasn’t familiar at all. It sounded like a man. It said things like “I love you”, and I thought it was God. So I found myself saying “I love you too.”
Eventually, this guy I was seeing behind my Mom’s back called me something that hurt me very badly. It was something that my father had called me once: fat *B* (in other words, a pregnant dog) … I, wanting to please him so much (my boyfriend), that I started starving myself to make things right. All the while I was tormented, hearing voices (his voice and the voices of other kids) that insulted me, and that told me that I should just die. I had frequent thoughts of suicide at the time, and I was only 13-years-old at the time. The only thing that had me hanging on, was remembering that God still loved even a person like me, and that His love was unconditional. Eventually, I was shown the effects of anorexia, and what it does to people (I learned it could kill). I was also told it was a demon, and I might have been given Bible scriptures as well. I began eating again, and praying to be healed. I went to lunch with friends, instead of hiding in the library. I started to enjoy life. Without warning, the voices continued. I recall cleaning up around the house, and then being told by a voice (that man voice) that my boyfriend was dating another person. It even told me her name. After many hearing voices screaming they would kill my friend, I went and started calling my friend frantically. I asked her at school later if there were people trying to kill her. She looked at me strangely, and thought I was crazy. One night, I was sleeping in my room (that I had accused my disabled brother of molesting me to get, (Yes, I remember being very manipulative)) and I woke up with a horrible fear. I was too afraid to move. When I finally did move, I saw a man standing over me. His face was terribly sinister, and he leaned over all in one sinister motion. Unexplainable terror filled my heart, and I was paralyzed by fear.
“Satan the Lord…” I squeaked, “Rebuke you in the name of Jesus!”
I cowered with fear. I looked, and the thing seemed to fade away. Then I heard my mother’s voice say: “(Insert my name here), don’t come to me anymore.”
I wondered if God was telling me not to come to Him anymore. That couldn’t possibly be it. God would NEVER EVER do that! I went to my mother, and told her everything that had just happened. She told me to take authority over it and to tell it to get out. I ended up sleeping next to her out of fear. Whether anyone knows it or not, I will state, Satan works through fear.
I continued going to church, and learning more. Eventually, I gained some weight (Now at a healthy weight,) and moved on to high school. The summer before high school, my family started heading to another church. Thoughts crept back into my head and I started thinking lustful thoughts about almost any boy I saw. My Mom was angry at my choice of dress. I wanted tighter and I wanted to reveal too much, she said. I wasn’t sure why. We all got baptized during the revival the church had, and I came out the water “Speaking in tongues”. I couldn’t stop at all, and whenever I opened my mouth, “tongues came out.” I came home singing, and clenched my teeth to make it stop so I could talk. More time passed. I went to high school, and saw the guy I had been seeing behind my mother’s back when students were being enrolled. For the first few days of school, I kept to myself. My boyfriend (now ex-) repeatedly kept trying to get my attention when he was with other girls. He even went to the point of kissing a girl in front of me (In a very suggestive way.)).
I stayed with my friend group from middle school (they were actually rather questionable). Later, I agreed with the things my mother told me to her face, but whirled around and started badmouthing her to my “friends”. I dressed in tight clothing, and hung around with girls who put themselves out there. I started using expletives to fit in and listened to mainstream music. I became someone I didn’t want to be all over again.
Eventually, my mother found out what I was doing because I told her my “friends” said she needed medication. She was terribly hurt by it, and became much stricter with me after the very ‘’friends” I thought I had started to bully me. Seeking to keep me safe from several girls seeking to attack me, she had my older brother chaperoning me back and forth to school. She then questioned me if I lingered behind or came in later than my brother. I would always stop in the restaurant near our house for water (The summers are hot.), and come in to be questioned as to why I was late. I had lost my mother’s trust, she said, when I did what I did in her absence. She said that I had to earn it again.
I felt bad, but continued to hang around homosexuals, and some that used drugs (I mean what people called ‘weed’). I did go to the Christian club after school some, but then I wasn’t allowed to go later by my Mom unless someone went with me as I couldn’t be trusted to go alone, given my recent behavior. I didn’t want to be seen with my older brother, so I ditched the Christian club altogether. Eventually, later in the school year, someone I knew started telling me they were lesbian. They started reading pornography at the lunch table as well. They started talking about sex. I started feeling like something was wrong. Some words my mom had said kept popping up in my head.
“Iron sharpens iron…”
Eventually, I tried to get the lesbian I knew to turn away from it. I got church members from my previous church to help with the scriptures I needed. When she didn’t turn away from homosexuality, I told others in our group (gossiping) about her being a lesbian. One of the people I told went straight to the girl and told her. She was furious. So I went through the rest of the year sheepishly (If that’s the right word). One day, while walking with my druggie friend to another class, I was badmouthing my Mom. She turned to me, her face darkened, and she began to look demonic. Then she said:
“[Insert name], you need to get more into the world.”
I stared at her dumbstruck and went to class. Eventually, my Mom put me in homeschooling and sought psychological diagnosis for what was occurring in me (she later found out I was stalking this guy I had been secretly seeing because he broke up with me. That ‘guy’ turned out to be someone who looked just like him. He had enrolled in another school altogether. But in anger, I sought to get him in trouble with the Principal because he was found kissing some girl. Jealousy I guess…. ).
I stayed home, studying and complaining that it was boring. Then those sexual thoughts got worse. I started to have creepy lesbian thoughts in addition to the other ones. I sat around the house wondering if I was homosexual. I was seriously bothered by it, as I continued to masturbate. Eventually, I looked up on the internet whether it was wrong or not. I felt guilty whenever I did so, so I felt it really was. I picked up a Bible and started doing Bible studies by myself.
One day, I went and sat in the bathroom. After I was done, something was repeatedly telling me to get off the toilet. When I didn’t, I ended up doing the thing I had avoided for a month (or more). Hot tears streamed down my face, and I began to be bombarded with thoughts like “You call yourself a Christian?” and things like that. I stopped reading my Bible because (as ridiculous as it sounds,) I had a fear of rejection. I thought God would reject me for doing that. I also stopped praying.
In homeschooling I grew pretty lonely. Later, I started listening to sermons on the radio and returned to listening to contemporary Christian music as opposed to secular music. Later, my mother took me and my your younger sister to listen to this Pastor (who I listened to on the radio) preach in the high school theater for an Easter service. His name was Pastor Shane Idleman.
Afterwards, we went to a house church that was having service in the back yard while they waited for the purchase of a building in the area. Something was repeatedly telling me to get up and leave, now, because the people were crazy. A while later the woman preaching stared dead at me. I was arguing with my Mom to let me go home by myself, that I knew how to get there alone. My Mom told me to sit down and behave. She then continued to listen to the sermon. This woman giving the message noticed something about me seeking to get away from the power of God. Discerning the spirit I had without me saying a word at an altar call that my Mom literally blocked my path from getting away from then stood behind me to pray as well, this woman then began saying something along the lines of
“Spirit of insecurity, I command you to come out of her!”
There were tons of hands all over me, and I immediately bent to the floor as I felt something tearing out my chest. She then prayed for my Mom, sensing the pain that my Mom had in her spirit. Her prayer seemed to lift my Mom spiritually. Mom was in tears. The woman cast out a few more things out of other people, then was done. I was amazed, asking her how she knew about me.
“If it wasn’t you, then who was it?”
The woman smiled, and pointed up. Ok….
Afterwards, my mother took me to the store and I bought myself a few necklaces with the twenty dollars she paid me for chores. Then, I became self-conscious again; saying stuff like
“Is this stuff that other girls wear?”
A short time later, I was in the hallway, and I yawned while leaving my room. Instantly, it felt like a backwards yawn. I felt like something crawled down my throat. Something was in there, and I wanted it out. So I began praying and doing eight hour fasts. If I tried to fast for a whole day, I would get halfway through and feel like I was being stabbed in the stomach. Once, I promised God I would fast for the whole day, and ended up eating a potato. After the first few bites, I heard a voice say to me, “Do not make promises you cannot keep.” So I continued praying. My Mom had me stay home to watch my disabled brother while she went to the store for groceries. I remembered that my Mom said something about tarrying for the Holy Spirit. I really wanted it. So I sat on the sofa and tarried. I typed the following to my mother in her Facebook inbox:
Mom. I was tarrying…. When I opened my eyes, I was covered in drool and nose runnings. Is that normal?
Mom! I’ve got it!
I started speaking in tongues! It’s not stammering!
All I did was tarry and ask! Now I can’t speak!
Thank you Jesus!
As I was tarrying, my nose started running, my head felt heavy until my nose started running. Then after the snot came out my nose and the spit came out, I had a slightly dry feeling in my throat. I opened my eyes wiped my face off, then went back to it. I started speaking in tongues Mom! It’s 12:00 PM. It sounds kinda like how you do. I heard a voice say “tell your testimony.” I can’t explain how happy I am! All I had to do is ask God. It was given. I can’t even talk! All that comes out right now is tongues after I try to say a few. After all He did say this: (Luke 11:13) If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him? So much Joy, so much happiness. Mom I don’t think you could understand the joy!
The tongues, as I called them came out. My mother discerned that something wasn’t right, that the tongues I seemingly spoke in were somewhat counterfeit. She did not want to blaspheme the Holy Ghost, she said, so she told me she would just watch my fruit, see what became of my infilling. She then told me that in her infilling she spoke in diverse tongues nonstop for three days straight. Sometime later, I started seeing things again. I wrote some of the happenings to my mother as follows:
“I’m writing here so all the details won’t be forgotten. I want to tell something. I was getting ready to take a shower, then I started getting bombarded with strange thoughts and questionable songs popped up in my head. Cursing popped up in there too. I rebuked them, then started trying to think of one of the songs I listen to. It was strange, but when I started singing a song about Christ, I heard a very loud “NO!” I kept singing, louder and louder in the shower. Just then I heard strange things. Whatever it was was growling and screeching things like
” You’re insecure!
You think about sexual things!
You’re religious! What will your friends think?”,
…and other things like that. I rebuked it further and sang even LOUDER. The thing was growling further and further. It said something like
“You’ll end up in Hell anyway!”
I rebuked it some more. After praying, I heard nothingness. So I started listening to music on your laptop while writing my essay. So I might be here when you get back from the dentist. It happened in the back room. That is all.”
I actually remember deliberately leaving out the part where it said
when typing it to her.
I soon began to see a black cat in my room. Nobody else saw it. I told my mom about it and she shared with me some of an audiobook by a guy named C.K. Quarterman. She then told me that he was a demonologist with a group on Facebook.
“Ugh,” I thought, “Who would want to study those hideous things!” I looked at his Facebook page, thinking “This guy might be able to help me….” I clicked the friend button, but then, due to doubt, retracted my request. I saw a spirit standing in front of the mirror, and I heard a voice say “I could make you anorexic again…” I told it “Satan the Lord rebuke you in the name of Jesus!” It stopped talking. I also saw I black thing standing over me when I woke up in the morning. I studied my Bible heavily, learning scripture. I was learning about putting on the armor of God. For the following days I saw a dark spirit getting closer and closer to my bed every few days. I told my Mom about that, too.
One early morning, I woke up because something felt wrong. Immediately, I felt like I was being strangled. My body rocked back and forth, but I was unafraid. I rebuked the devil, and it stopped. I calmly got out of my bed and went to check the time. I believe it was around 4:30 A.M. or so. I told my disabled brother to go to sleep, and went to see about whether I could tell my Mom about it. She was asleep. So I went to sleep and told her in the morning. Later that night (It was around 7:30 P. M.) my little sister came into my room telling me Mom wanted me. I just told her to go ask what Mom wanted me for. I heard my Mom say something along the lines of:
“Tell her to get in here now!”
I got up reluctantly, and Mom said she sent the things I wrote to her to a friend of hers. She wanted me to talk. I looked and saw who I was talking to. Okay, so it was a man by the name of C.K. Quarterman. Then I remembered, “Isn’t this that demonologist guy?” might as well talk to him anyway. So I talked to him, and told him what had been going on with me. The conversation eventually went from an internet conversation to a phone conversation. Eventually, I told them about my masturbation problem. Suddenly, this thing surfaced. They told it to come out of me and I heard a loud scream “NO!” It went on like that for a while, even refusing to reveal its name. I started singing and the thing tried to stop me from saying Jesus. My arms started shaking and the phone was acting up. There were several being cast out. I was being threatened by this demon with physical pain to my body (I’ll punch you in the face! I’ll bang your head on the table (which it had done,)), and physical pain to those close to me (I’ll stab your mother! I’ll ruin your little sister’s surgery! I’ll tear up your house!). Then, I also remember seeing that black cat in my mind, and then….
I started hissing like a cat. Out of my mouth were coming cat noises. My vision went blurry and I felt like I was going to faint. I remember it saying “I am a kitty!” Afterwards, the noises coming from my mouth were cow noises. This thing talked about how Hell was hot, full of maggots, screams, and that Satan beat them. It screamed “I’ll tear up your house!” That was an explanation as to why I tore up things my Mom worked hard to own. It actually said it had tried to kill me via suicide. I believe it also tried to kill me with a long wooden splinter to my throat (My sister broke my bed, and it splintered terribly. I slept on the floor, was dreaming, and then couldn’t breathe so well in the dream. I woke up, and there was a long, sharp, wooden splinter (as big as maybe half a broomstick?) starting to pierce where an Adam’s apple would be on a man. I was shocked, threw it, and slept on a sofa instead.) The demon also stated it had been with me since I was young (that explained my behaviors a ton.). It took four hours to get rid of all of them. It was around 11:30 P.M. in California when we were done. I started remembering Bible scriptures like crazy. I started really speaking in tongues and I felt a great peace. I woke up the next day and I felt like I was being hugged. I was finally free.
I know Satan will try to pull me into bondage again. That is inevitable. But I will stand firm and strong in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I no longer bite my nails, or masturbate. I don’t feel much like anything but reading my Bible now. I don’t really insult my family members anymore. I can focus on God’s Word now. Thank you, Jesus.
Jesus is my Lord and Savior!
He will never leave or forsake me.
And you know what? Now I want to tell people about the one who saved me.
Jesus. Remembering the song my Mom sang: Jesus Loves Me….
Unnatural and Evil Thoughts.
It was horrible!
Now I am set free! Praise God!
THANK YOU JESUS!!!